Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.