Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show