Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.


[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?


Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.


“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.


haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day


Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur


Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence


*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”


[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities