@marginoferror

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

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@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@Darlainky

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

@birkinmami

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

@williamwanton

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities