Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.