Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Monday
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The sacred texts.