Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me