Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
first you must answer his riddles
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”