@GraniteDhuine

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

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@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

@mynameisntdave

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@lukeplusone

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@friedmanjon

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.