Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Kids, do not try this at home!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’