Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism


How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?



GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out


boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car


Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back


You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.


[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*


I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.


I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.