Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”