Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
as is their right
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.