Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Bring back the McRib
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.