Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
When the stylist spins you back around
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share