Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
describing stardew valley
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem