Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!