Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.