I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
🙂🐾
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”