Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Pringles
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently