Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Can’t. Being lazy.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.