Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say