Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
handsome & gretel
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?