Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
how was your vacation
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*