Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Saint West, the patron of selfies
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
True statement👍😏😁
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”