don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens