Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.