Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol