Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work