Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Are you ok, human???
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet