Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds