“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.