Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The funk soul brother
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Bike is short for Bichael.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..