Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?