Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
What a website
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
hackers play passwordle
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.