Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”