Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I really had high hopes for this year though
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.