DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I don’t get marriage
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.