Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!