“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Brands during Pride
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Cat is stressing him out.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE