Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.