Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
🙂🐾
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*