Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it