“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.