“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My beach vacation Google searches
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.