Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I can’t stop watching this.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My safe word is Worcestershire
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day