Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Body by Oreos
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you