Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work