Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I need this for my side hustle.
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.