Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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Dear Lord..
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂