@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

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@LostFelicia

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

@lmegordon

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

@Ivsy01

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

@XplodingUnicorn

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

@degg

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha