Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.