(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
incredible
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like