Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
