Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
goldfish mafia
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar